Wednesday, October 24, 2012

When guys disappear.

Men are totally from Mars. If they weren't, they'd be here with us women on Venus, returning our texts and phone calls.

I've been off the dating scene for a while now, but I definitely have been there before. You meet a guy who is seemingly a "good guy." Things start off strong; he is super nice and seems pretty into you. But one day you send him a text message--and he doesn't respond.

So you obviously freak out, and immediately call your girlfriend to bombard her with questions: "Why do you think he didn't respond? Should I text him again? What about a phone call? No I can't call- I'll seem crazy, and I can't seem crazy. Maybe that's already why he's not responding; he thinks I'm crazy. I shouldn't have texted him that last time. I made myself look too into him and I can't seem that into him. I mean, where do you think he went? What did I do to turn him off!?"

Take a deep breath: woosah! Okay, you want answers (or you think you want answers). And I get it. It makes absolutely no sense why the guy who is totally falling in love with you--but doesn't know it yet--has disappeared.

I called up some guy friends to help explain this one to me. For those of you who thought you wanted answers...

My friends Joe, Sean, Greg, and Alston just broke it down, in a few different scenarios:

Scenario 1: The guy who is "too busy" for text messages.

Joe: "Well first: 'I'm busy' is complete bullshit. I am super busy but if I truly liked someone enough I'd never say that because then you'd lose something worth it."

Greg: "He could just be busy."

Scenario 2: The lawyer who gets out of court and has 23 text messages.

Alston: "The bad thing about being in constant contact, or being able to be in constant contact, is being inundated with messages. It's like yeah, we went out once after work and had a nice dinner. WTF."

Sean: "He wants his career to come first before he even thinks about giving you a ring. He wants to be financially secure before settling down...and now you want him to throw away a lifetime of climbing the corporate ladder to tell you what he had for lunch and to 'lol' with you? C'monnn."
Scenario 3:  The cocky athlete who doesn't care about text messages.

Alston: "He can screw any girl he wants to, and if 1 turns him down, there are 4 more that look just like her who will say yes."

Sean: "Well, aside from the multimillion dollar contracts, constant pressure from management and society, physically grueling work conditions and being in your early 20s, sounds like a pretty normal problem to have."

Joe: "He doesn't have to care, so he gets away with blowing off texts. Cocky athlete is just the environment."

Scenario 4: "John Q. Public," the guy who wants to be like the successful lawyer and cocky athlete so he does what they do and ignores text messages. (Sean said he is always dependable for a boring time.)

Sean: "He's not responding typically to fit in. A guy can't respond too quickly or else she will know he likes her and he's trying to do what he's 'supposed' to do."

Scenario 5: The free spirit. (Does he even own a phone to text?)

Joe: "I mean I guess you can still use that excuse but its 2012. My friend tried to pull the 'I didn't get your text' excuse the other month. Cahmon man, it's 2012; that ended in like 2002 when smart phones came out."

Sean: "Well, he can also fall into romanticism pretty easily and may have had his heart broken more than once during adolescence causing romantic trauma for the rest of his life. I don't think it's because he doesn't like you.. its probably because he 'gave up' on love a long time ago." 
Well, okay!

After this, maybe you will text him again, and maybe you won't. Maybe he'll respond, and maybe he won't. But who cares, really? Learning to brush your shoulders off (particularly of things and people that won't matter down the road) is a good lesson learned. And trust me, the guy you dated for a whopping 36 days and didn't text you back won't matter. It's also much better than obsessing over all the "what ifs" and desperately trying to solve what's wrong with you.

But--it's obviously his loss anyway, right?

A man's perspective: Disappearing Reappearing Man: What to Do?

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